| Disney Theme Parks X4 |
In the last year I've been to 4 Disney Theme Parks. Two in America, one in Paris and one in Tokyo. Disney's American parks are like two old trees. The oldest attractions are at the center of the park and as it grows older the newest parts are the outer rings, but I'm a purist and want the classics left alone. C'mon Classic Coke is best and Josh Grobin is fine, but compared to Frank Sinatra? "Keep all your smart modern writers, give me William Shakespeare."
The Nautilus from "20,000 Leagues" is gone to make room for Nemo. Hover cars? Goodbye! Buzz Light Year? NO! I preferred the raping, killing, thieving, frightening pirates to the p.c. pirates of today. They are, after all, pirates! Sure the added wise cracking audio-animatronic Johnny Depp robots are admittedly really cool. Jack Skellington added to The Haunted Mansion? Way cool too. "The enchanted Tiki Room" with Gilbert Gotfried bird however is an abomination! "Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki room" goes the theme. Did kids ever like the " Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki room?" Its monotonous theme will infect your brain and battle "It's a Small World's" theme for which will drive you insane first. "Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki room." There was a brief time when America was obsessed with the largely fabricated world of Tiki. The statues, birds, and flowers sing: "Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki room."
In "The Hall of Presidents" I want to punch the Carter and Clinton robots and look behind the Bush robot to see if Cheney is working the controls. The Swiss Family Robinson Tree House" has become the exciting "Tarzan Tree." Uh hem. Paddle Boats and Country Bears? As exciting as grandpa's old stories. The food? Awful, but at least it's really expensive. What? "Capt. EO," The Michael Jackson 3-d space pirate pedophile show is gone? Good. "Star Wars: Star Tours" with that Pee Wee Herman robot and its back-breaking Herky-Jerky motions is as welcome in my geek universe as the "Star Wars Christmas Special" with Art Carney and Bea Aurthur. "Star Tours" is stuck in the 80's. Remember how good those special effects in the 80's weren't? Well you'll be underwhelming surrounded by them on Star Tours. Unpack my bags for bespin immediately.
And Epcot's depiction of foreign lands? Well, I've traveled the world and their view of the world is ridiculous and frankly racist. Where's Uncle Remus and them Injuns from "Peter Pan?" Hey lets go catch the Happy dancing Sunnis and Shiites in the "Aladdin" show! Wipee! Except for "Tower of Terror" and "Rock n' Rollercoaster" Disney/MGM is much like MGM studio of modern times: running on fumes. Over. "Hey kids, lets take our expensive park-hopper pass over to Disney's Animal kingdom..oh, wait we have a zoo in our town that's free!"
Really, the more I think about it the more I think Disney sucks, yet, I can't wait to get back to "the rip-offy-est place on Earth." And one more thing: "Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room!"
|
|
|
